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Practical ParentingThe Value of a Mentor
by Peg Flint (Peg's bio)
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"I might as well face it, I'm a failure as a mother," I sobbed into the phone. Angie laughed and assured me that my son had only acted like a boy. I hung up the phone, relieved that I was not a failure and prepared to talk to my son about his latest prank.
I look back upon that incident grateful for Angie's encouragement. As a mother of three sons, all of which were older than Eric, she helped me as I struggled with raising a son. I never had a brother and had rarely babysat, so I was frequently frustrated by things that boys often seem to do. However, many of the things that bothered me did not even concern my husband. So, I appreciated the comments and insights of Angie because she had experience I was lacking.
I believe in mentoring and while I believe that a wife should look to her husband first for guidance in issues related to parenting, I also recognize it is frequently helpful to have the input of an older woman in her life. In times past, women often lived close to their parents even after marriage, and a woman would have the opportunity to seek her mother's guidance as children came along. Now, distance or schedules frequently separate the family and it may not be possible to get the guidance of one's mother or mother-in-law. Some women are waiting until a later age to marry and have children and they may have lost their mother due to death. For whatever reason, it is often helpful for a woman to find a mentor who will help her along the road to parenting.
There are two types of mentoring relationships that I can think of immediately. I am going to start by discussing a more "formal" relationship and then I will share about informal mentoring.
How does one find a mentor? Well, first of all, pray about this. Is a mentor something that would help your life? Is there some area of your life where you need another person's perspective? If you decide a mentor might be helpful, discuss this with your spouse if you are married. How would they feel about you finding a mentor? Does your spouse have any suggestions for a mentor - perhaps someone that they have observed and they might feel comfortable if you approached that person? If they don't have suggestions but agree that a mentor would be a good idea, I suggest that you look around you - possibly in church - for someone who has children that are either fully grown or a bit older than yours. I would consider the temperament of their children and see if perhaps their children have the same personality style as yours. It is easier to receive tips on dealing with a child who is frequently lazy if your mentor has dealt with the same type of situation.
Once you have found somebody, prayerfully write a note and ask if they would consider mentoring you in the area of parenting. When I have requested mentoring before, I try to ask for a specific period of time, perhaps six months, and state how often I'd like to get together with that person. I also let them know why I want a mentor and what I would like to focus on in my life. For instance, I might write a note and say, "I have noticed you at church with your children and I was wondering if you would be willing to take some time over the next 3 months to help me learn to deal with this problem..." and then state the problem.
Another method of mentoring is "informal mentoring". I find that this has occurred most often in my life through my friendships. If I am faced with a problem, I frequently ask a friend how they would handle it. In the instance where Angie comforted me about my son's antics, I had called her because I was very upset about something he had done and I knew she would give me perspective. However, I also needed someone that I could share my feelings of failure with and know that they still loved me even if I was a failure.
Here are some questions to consider as you look at people and consider them.
1. Do I trust this person to not gossip to others about my situations I may share?
2. Does this person's lifestyle and beliefs line up with scripture?
3. Am I willing to listen to what this person has to share? Or will my answers be "but you don't understand..." whenever they offer suggestions, comments or criticism?
Titus 2:3-5 talk about areas where an older woman can help a younger woman. You might want to look at these verses and ask yourself if there is an area mentioned there that you need help in. If so, may I suggest you pray for a mentor?
Copyright 2002, Peg Flint. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
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About Peg Flint: Peg and Art have been married for 22 years. They have homeschooled their teenage twins, Eric & Robin, since birth. Now that their children are preparing for college, Peg is fulfilling her dream of writing to nurture young women by sharing lessons she's learned.
Email Peg: Happy2BHomemaker@aol.com |
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