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Practical ParentingParenting with Self Respect
by Peg Flint (Peg's bio)
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"Don't worry about your house and what I think of it. Someday, you will have enough self-respect to make your children pick up after themselves. Until then, I'll love you just as you are ~ so don't worry."
OUCH! My mentor spoke words to me that pierced my heart and as I shut the door behind her, I was tempted to close her out of my heart and my life. How dare she tell me that I need self respect…doesn't a mother serve her family and children by dying to herself and meeting all their needs? What right did I have to make my children clean up after themselves…especially since they were only 2 years old? Surely Nancy knew that a mother should do everything for her children until they were older…right?
Over the last fifteen years, I have often pondered the idea of "parenting with self-respect" and how to live it out in my life. What is self-respect and what does it have to do with parenting? After a great deal of thought, I came to realize that in parenting, self-respect means that I set boundaries because some things are mine and I deserve to have them left alone. It means that I ask for help around the house because not only is it good for my children to learn how to do things ~ I also don't HAVE to do it all myself. I've learned to take care of my own needs sometimes and that it is a good idea for me to get away and take care of my physical and emotional needs. Basically, self-respect in our family has boiled down to "taking care of mama" by setting boundaries and having my children help around the house.
This isn't easy. I often struggle with setting boundaries. I hate to ask for help around the house because I hate asking others to do something for me. It goes against my personality to tell my children to do something NOW because I tend to be a "people-pleaser". There have been times in my life when I have shown enough self-respect to have my children help, but far more frequently, I have hesitated to ask for help simply because I hate to ask.
Recently, my son made a comment that opened my eyes to how my attitude and expectations affect my children. He stated, "Remember when we lived at that house. You told us to straighten up the living room every night before dad came home from work…that house was so clean. I loved living there." As he spoke, I realized that because of my "self-respect" at that time, I trained my children to help and expected their help, without feeling guilty for asking. They did not feel abused because they had to help and they enjoyed the benefits of a cleaner house.
Now that my kids are teens, "self-respect" means that I care enough about our family to have my children help around the house because I need it.. I ask for help with the laundry without constantly apologizing. I graciously remind my daughter to take care of the dishes and I refuse to feel guilty if I must remind my son he has a chore that needs to be done. Self-respect means that I realize I don't have to do it all myself and I get help simply because we can all work together. It means that I ask us to work together as a team…because we are a team.
I'm so grateful to Nancy for speaking those words of truth into my life. Even though they hurt, I needed to hear them. Parenting is less burdensome and tiring when I treat my children as part of a team that works together. I enjoy their help and their company when we work together and I know that when they leave home, they will be capable young adults who can meet their own needs. By parenting with self-respect, I've helped my children learn skills which help to build their own self-respect.
Questions to reflect on:
If I'm struggling as a parent, is it because I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done around the house? Am I trying to do too much?
What can my child(ren) do to help out?
Copyright 2002, Peg Flint. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
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About Peg Flint: Peg and Art have been married for 22 years. They have homeschooled their teenage twins, Eric & Robin, since birth. Now that their children are preparing for college, Peg is fulfilling her dream of writing to nurture young women by sharing lessons she's learned.
Email Peg: Happy2BHomemaker@aol.com |
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