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The Pastor's Place. For Pastors and their families.April Showers Bring May Flowers
(or Depression is no respecter of occupation or title.)
by Linda Mae Baldwin (Linda's bio)
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This morning I woke up to the sound of rain drumming my bedroom skylight. Rain is not unusual where I live, yet, after a day like yesterday, where I drove with my convertible's roof down just because I could, wet days like today cloak me with sadness. Nothing, however, compares to the depression I previously had, or the depression my husband experienced in past years. Depression in a Minister's family is not unusual; sadly, it is almost the norm. How do I know? Take a look at the following statistics from www.shilohplace.org. This site indicates these numbers come from various resources, such as Pastor-to-Pastor, Focus on the Family, Ministries Today, Charisma Magazine, and others.
Fifteen hundred pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in the church. (1,500 each MONTH).
Fifty percent of pastor's marriages will end in divorce.
Seventy percent of pastors constantly fight depression.
Eighty percent of adult children of pastors surveyed have had to seek professional help for depression.
Eighty-five percent said their greatest problem is they are sick and tired of dealing with problems, such as elders, deacons, worship leaders, worship teams, board members, and associate pastors.
For pastors spouses.
Eighty percent of pastors' wives feel left out and unappreciated by church members.
Eighty percent of pastors' spouses wish their spouses would choose another profession.
Eighty percent of pastors' wives feel pressured to do things and be something in the church that they really are not.
The majority of pastors' wives surveyed said that the most destructive event that has occurred in their marriage and family was the day they entered the ministry. (The MOST destructive event was entering the ministry.)
(You can check out the rest of the numbers (if you're brave enough) at http://www.shilohplace.org/crisisin.htm)
Obviously, the position of Pastor is in crisis and so is the church. When the leader stumbles and falls, so does the body. What can we do?
1. Find a friend. (Think outside the box).
If you are a pastor or one of his family members, I encourage you, in the name of our Lord to find someone to trust. A confidante. Maybe another pastor or a friend outside the church? My husband's sounding board and best friend was an unsaved person, who loved us just for us. He offered practical help and assistance. It so happened that his wife was the church secretary. But, he didn't have much respect for the church family. When it was our time to leave the church, the Lord used us all and this unsaved friend gave his life to the Lord.
Some had warned us against being so close to this person, who didn't even go to church, but his perception of the church was already warped by the way his wife had been treated by previous leaders. God used it all for good.
We still receive that church's newsletter, and it is heart swelling to see our friend's name among outreach and teaching leaders.
Remember, God will use whom He will. All we have to do is be willing to follow. Your confidante might not be whom you think it should. Prayerfully consider where God leads.
2. Put your faith in the facts.
There is a saying my husband used when he preached about depression: have faith in the facts and the feelings will follow. Remember the facts of your salvation and trust that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He did not change his mind. He did not move away. He did not disconnect you.
Take a moment to write down all the facts you know of your salvation and your relationship with God. Back them up with scripture if you want. Keep the list close so when doubts assault you, a handy reference is at your fingertips.
3. Prayer and Bible Study.
Prayer
Of course, you know the next two steps, prayer and bible study. (When you are depressed, the last thing you need is for someone to come along and state the obvious. Sorry.)
To a depressed person prayer may seem as insurmountable as climbing Mt. Fuji. We wonder where God is, why did He leave? We even wonder what we did so wrong that He is making this happen to us. (Ah - this is exactly why our faith is fact based and not feeling based.)
If prayer seems distant to you, write your prayer down, instead of speaking the words. If words are elusive, sit in silence and let the Holy Spirit speak to you. He understands groanings too deep for words. Even if it feels like a useless exercise, do it. He is listening.
Bible Study.
Perhaps the only time you spend time in the Word is when you prepare sermons. Time in the Word is of utmost importance. But, you know that.
How can you study the Word, when the words mean nothing? Often times we trick ourselves into failing. The 'read the bible in a year' program that you've never made it through becomes the very thing you feel you must try again. And, when you once again fail to finish it, your depression deepens. So, I suggest this: instead of attempting the program you will be successful at failing, pick a chapter and read. Three verses. That's it. When you feel compelled to read more, and you will, do it. God will honor time spent in the Word.
4. Don't share facts of your depression with your congregation.
Depression is an illness. Unlike an easily seen casted broken arm, depression is invisible. Congregants see the cast and your temporary disability and respond with offers of help by bringing you dinner, opening doors, driving you, carrying your books. Unlimited opportunities are available for them. But, depression is invisible and there really is not much anyone can do for you, so, wanting to help, people offer advice.
To give you an idea of the kind of advice to expect, here is a sampling of some counseling given to my husband when he preached a series on depression and in the process, revealed his fight with the disease.
Real Christians do not get depressed.
You must be doing something wrong.
What have you done wrong?
You just need to rebuke depression and tell it to leave.
Scripture says all things work to the good…so there is a reason God made you depressed.
There is no such thing. It's all in your head.
Snap out of it.
If you had real faith, JOY would cover everything.
You have nothing to be sad about.
You need more faith.
Have you prayed about it?
People have prayed for you, what is the matter? Why isn't it working?
Taking medication is wrong. God can heal you, just pray and have faith.
There are more but I think you get the idea. This advice obviously comes straight from the heart without malice, but may leave you drained and even angry.
It does not hurt to have prayer warriors. But choose them carefully and consider what you will share. (Which you no doubt do anyway.)
5. Confess sin.
Of course, we all should confess any sin and ask forgiveness. This is stating the obvious but I would be remiss if I didn't mention it. Satan attacks Pastors' families especially hard. Knock down the leader and the rest will crumble. If you have un-confessed sin, or sin you think you are hiding, do not fool yourself any longer.
If it is difficult for you to do this, please don't feel alone. Do you want someone to talk to? Go to this website and read what they have to say. www.family.org/pastor . They offer online confidential counseling.
6. Exercise.
Now this particular activity did not make sense to my husband or me, when first suggested by our doctor, until we tried it. There surely is something about those good endorphins released when exercise gets the blood pumping! Don't wait until you can join the gym, or buy that Bowflex, start simple. Go for a walk, by yourself or holding the hand of your sweetheart. Get out of the office, out of the house and walk. (Do not go to a particular destination – unless it's a quiet booth at the fast food place down the street, or a bench by the stream down the hill. This is your time, don't try to combine your exercise with a to-do item off your list.)
7. Spend time alone or with your family.
Are you chuckling at this one? Scratching your head and wondering how, in that crammed full 24 hour day, which is at least three hours short, to find time just for your family? I know, been there. Years later, as our children reminisce about their childhood; we see how important spending time with them was.
My husband blocked off Friday nights as family night. We didn't have extra funds to go to dinner or a movie, but we did rent videos, played games and when the kids were in High School, our couple date was usually the High School football game to watch our son play. We also made it a point to go to our daughter's volleyball games. When the kids were in High School we attempted to attend all games, plays and events they were involved in. Please find a way to develop and guard a Couple/Family night, (ideally, two separate events) Perhaps it will prevent your children from becoming a statistic when they are adults (see above list).
8. A number of remedies wait for you.
Could be medication, confession, time with a counselor, maybe a change in your diet. (Did you know, if you boost your intake of Vitamin B complex, or supplement your diet with Herbs like St. John's Wort or minerals like magnesium, you may curtail some of your symptoms?)
If you think you depression is what ails you get professional help. You wouldn't try to set your own broken leg, would you? Or cut out your own tumor?
Use the people God has given wise counsel to in this area.
9. Look to your denomination.
Do not wait until your situation is hopeless. Your denomination may offer assistance for you. I am not familiar with all denominations but Southern Baptists offer an area Missionary and local associations to aid Pastors.
In the mean time, know that prayers are said for Pastors everywhere, including you. If you would like to drop me a line, I would love to hear from you or your wife, or your children. I am not a counselor by any means, but I am a good listener and I have amazingly broad shoulders! I have two email addresses:
writeon@attbi.com or lindamaebaldwin@hotmail.com.
It is now the afternoon and sun breaks through clouds. Birds are pretty active in the backyard. Closed tulips look ready to burst open and show their spring wardrobe and the rhodies sprout new foliage, in May they will brighten the garden with fuchsia, purple, and white blooms. Rain this April morning makes possible the bright scented promise of May's flowers.
And, this I pray, goes the way of your depression. I pray salty tears, wept today, makes possible growth, new life, new love and a fresh start in your heart, mind and soul for tomorrow.
God bless you.
Copyright 2002, Linda Mae Baldwin. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
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About Linda Mae Baldwin: Linda Mae Baldwin has ministered in churches in various capacities since 1983, when her husband answered the call to the Pastorate. The author of various plays, inspirational readings, and short stories, she currently also writes reviews for the iUniverse.com CWWC site. Although no longer in vocational ministry, Linda Mae's heart is to minister to pastors, their wives and children. E-mail Linda Mae |
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