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The Pastor's Place. For Pastors and their families.Can I Have a Friend?
by Linda Mae Baldwin (Linda's bio)
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Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington (1732 – 1799)
No wonder George is the Father of our country. He is one smart man. I receive e-mails about the possibility/impossibility of Pastors and their families having friends in the church.
Answer this question:
Pastors and their families should be able to live void of human contact and warmth, so they don't really need to have individuals to confide in, share laughs with, get sweet little thoughtful mementos from or give to, someone to support in times of struggle, or with a private need you don't want the whole world to know about. Nah. EVERYONE else in the church/world needs this kind of person – (preferably the Pastor), but the Pastor needs no one, because he is __________? (Human, god, angelic, other).
"One can't complain. I have my friends. Someone spoke to me only yesterday." Eyeore
Recently our son married his high-school sweetheart. They chose to marry at the very same Las Vegas Chapel my husband and I wed in 25 years ago. The ceremony was lovely. Our daughter served as best man and the bride's brother served as maid of honor. But, while many of the bride's family made the trek, only one of my brothers and his wife from my family were able to attend and no one from my husband's family could arrange to come. Still, the groom's side of the small chapel was full. Why? Friends from a church my husband served at almost 10 years ago drove hours through the desert from 29 Palms, California to attend the ceremony. Seeing them was like a cool drink to a parched soul because this was a difficult Pastorate.
The Lord led us through a growth progress and we butted up against resistance time and again. I admit, I was beaten and battered when we left the church. My soul carried bruises and while my broken heart and soul has knitted itself whole, I am a little shy of church folk. My husband however, as men do, rebounded pretty quickly. He saw the blessings from the church, where I still saw the pain.
These friends who came to the wedding are like family to us. They are the sort of folks you don't talk to for years and when you see each other it is as if the time since your last meeting was only one day.
Now, to be fair, there is nothing 'special' about these people. I mean, they have no angelic qualities, or powers. They aren't rich with monetary gain, nor do they gush over us. Even back when we were at the church, these people treated us the same as they treated each other. After time, we learned these people loved us unconditionally. And, they managed to keep their hearts open and their mouths shut. Too many times, I'm afraid, I dumped my bitter and sad heart out to them, relieving myself, but no doubt troubling them. I've prayed that the Lord remove any sort of shadow I might have cast on them. Seeing them again assured me they suffered no ill-effects.
God knew these were friends we NEEDED. They prayed for us, counseled us, taught us, wept with us, got angry with us, even gave us help with a broken down car. They prayfully considered their involvement in the church growth program, and supported my husband when I could only weep. They were our voice, our legs our eyes and our friend when we weren't around. They became trusted souls and our relationships deepened. It didn't happen instantaneously though.
When we arrived at the church, there were many who clamored to be our friends. It was only a matter of time and a few decisions that didn't go their way, that it was clear their friendship was positional (to the Pastor) and not individual (to the Baldwin's).
In prosperity, our friends know us; in adversity, we know our friends. Anonymous.
Here are some pointers for you to prayerfully consider in making and keeping friends:
- Take time seeking a friend. Watch people. Pray.
- Don't divulge too much - your friend today could be your enemy tomorrow.
- If possible, find a friend outside of your congregation family. (My husband's best friend was the unsaved husband of a church member. He got saved just before we left and yep, he and his wife were some of the friends I am writing about).
- At church - don't isolate yourself with your friend. Don't sit by your friend at the exclusion of others. In fact, sit by yourself and let others come sit by you. I did this and when a young man visited from his special home he would bless me by sitting with me. He had a mental condition that gave him some different behaviors, but when he sat with me, we did ok with each other. Who knows who the Lord will bring to you if you're open to it.
- If you go places with your friend(s) don't talk about the adventure in front of other church members. I think in general – not just pastors should practice this discretion – it's rude to discuss upcoming plans or past activities in front of people who aren't or weren't involved.
- Don't burden your friend with too many intimate details. There is a fine line here. You or your husband is still your friend's pastor and they need to be able to respect him.
- Remember too, a friend is not a substitute for God, spouse or Bible time! Jesus is the friend who sticks closer than a brother.
- It is my feeling that God created us to need one another.
- Remember the words of our former president George Washington as stated above. Using caution will help you avoid hurting or being hurt.
- If you still have trouble with friends, write me. I'll be glad to listen and I have terribly broad shoulders. May you be blessed with a friend to share your days with (besides your best friend who I hope is your spouse!)
Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help lift himup.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Copyright 2003, Linda Mae Baldwin. All Rights Reserved. Used by permission.
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About Linda Mae Baldwin: Linda Mae Baldwin has ministered in churches in various capacities since 1983, when her husband answered the call to the Pastorate. The author of numerous magazine and on-line zine articles, she also has a monthly at www.crosshome.com and a column: The Narrow Road Is Full of Potholes at www.dancingword.net Although no longer in vocational ministry, Linda Mae's heart is to minister to pastors, their wives and children. Also, she strives to understand the ever elusive generic Church member, of whom she now belongs. "A quirky bunch we are," she thinks. E-mail Linda Mae |
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