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Helping Families Cope with Mental Illness Part 6
by Norman Bales
All About Families


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In the previous installment, I identified three coping initiatives for families who cope with the mental illness of a loved one. Those three principles were:

1. Acceptance.
   
2. Unconditional love.
   
3. Learn what you can about your loved one's condition.

Today, we conclude our series with three more suggestions for coping.

• Don't blame yourself. "What did I do to bring this condition on?" That's the question many family members ask upon learning that a loved one suffers from mental illness. Most people have some regrets about some of their childhood mistakes. The song, "Silver Haired Daddy," reflects this tendency.

  "If I could recall all the heartaches
  Dear old Daddy, I've caused you to bear.
  If I could erase the lines from your face
  And bring back the gold to your hair,
  If God would but grant me the power
  Just to turn back the pages of time,
  I'd give all I own if I could but atone
  To that sliver haired daddy of mine."

  While it's normal to feel sad about our childish misdeeds, it is not likely that our behavior caused a loved one's psychosis. In this instance, you need to go more with your head than your feelings. If you ask yourself the question, "What did I do to cause my loved one to react this way," the most accurate answer is probably nothing. What about those offenses we did commit? As Christians, we need to believe what we preach. According to God's word, "we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins" (Colossians 1:14).

• Cultivate healthy relationships. When these problems invaded our family I was enormously blessed by the encouragement of people in my home church. Insofar as I am concerned, the most important thing they did was simply to include me in the church's activities. I wasn't treated as "that crazy woman's" son. I was just one of the church's "young people." They picked me up for social activities, gave me opportunities to serve and even taught me to preach. Some of the older women in the church took time to build a caring relationship with me. I particularly, remember a lady who always seemed to have a cherry pie when I stopped by her house. My aunt, who was also our neighbor, treated me as if I were her own child. I even sent her "Mother's Day Cards" as long as she was alive. I'll be forever grateful to all these people and many others. Sometimes Christian people want to show their compassion, but they don't know what to do. They really don't have to do anything beyond acceptance and caring. On the other hand, I had a responsibility to my church, family and friends who functioned as my support system. I chose to attach myself tightly to the church. I've never looked back and I've never regretted that decision.

• Live responsibly. Some people make themselves victims. You can feel sorry for yourself, wallow in your misery, curse your fate or medicate yourself with alcohol and drugs. I never liked those options. I love life but I don't expect to go through this life without trials. The person who thinks that life is supposed to me one great, uninterrupted party is in for a rude awakening. Coping with a mentally ill parent was one of my trials. Although it certainly had something to do with shaping my values, attitudes and outlook on life, it neither cripples me nor defines me. I am a man made in the image of God with certain capabilities and responsibilities. The more I use God's gifts in a responsible way, the more I appreciate life. Because of my experience with mental illness in my own home, I have a certain degree of compassion for others who struggle with the same problem. Every week, Ann and I lead a group for the behavioral medicine unit at one of our local hospitals. We are hopeful that we help these people in some small way through our sharing.

If your loved one suffers with some form of mental illness, you will inevitably face a formidable challenge. Life will not be easy, but it will not be impossible. Recently I heard a woman describe her attempts to cope with a mentally ill person in her own family. She said, "The word 'hopeless' is not in our vocabulary." And so it should be for all people who face that problem in their homes.

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