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Helping Families Cope with Mental Illness Part 5
by Norman Bales
All About Families


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In previous installments, I sought to describe some of my own experiences with mental illness in the family. My mother's first episode with schizophrenia took place when I was twelve years old. She suffered with the problem until her death at age 72. I've also tried to describe some of the obstacles that other members of the family face. In this last segment I want to deal with coping.

• Acceptance. Family members are naturally inclined to deny the serious nature of the problem they are facing. When it first happens, family members consider it a temporary aberration. When the first episode subsides they are sure of it. It can be explained away as a dietary problem. In the early years of her struggles with sanity, my mother received a medical diagnosis of anemia. With proper diet and medication, the anemia was treated and her mental condition improved. Later on, we would learn that her schizophrenic episodes were cyclical. About the time, she put anemia behind her, she apparently cycled into a "normal" period. We figured the whole thing was caused by anemia. You really want to believe that, because anemia is treatable. When the psychotic episodes are repeated, you want to believe that your loved one is "going through a phase." My mother was in her late thirties. Many people told us stories about people who behaved abnormally during menopause. We clung to the belief that she would be all right once she got through "the change of life."

  Sooner or later, you have to stop denying the obvious and give up your rationalizations. Only then can you provide psychotic family members the kind of help they need. I have known some therapists who try to force family members to use words like "crazy" and "nuts" to describe their loved ones. Perhaps they think the use of these crude shock terms will help overcome denial. Personally, I think that's insensitive and a violation of the golden rule. Technical words like "psychotic" are tough enough to accept, but they do communicate the message in a more objective manner.

• Unconditional Love. This is the form of love modeled by Jesus. It involves self-denial and a willingness to act in the best interest of the person you love. It does not always require warm and tender feelings. It's pretty hard to maintain warm and tender feelings when a member of you family is behaving in ways that are violent and destructive. Sometimes the most loving act involves commitment to a mental health facility. As a minister, I've sat in on legal commitment hearings. Sometimes things are done which the patient resists, but which are actually in the patient's best interest. As a family member, you have to keep asking yourself, "What does my loved one really need?" and "How can I best show my love in this situation?"

• Learn What You Can About Your Loved One's Condition. Recently a friend of mine received a diagnosis concerning a chronic medical condition. He's trained in medicine, but his knowledge is not a comfort to him. People keep offering assurances, but says, "Unfortunately, I know too much about the condition." Some people may think that "ignorance is bliss" when it comes to coping with the mental illness of a family member. In some cases, the truth is very difficult to accept because it suggests a long-term battle with no permanent cure. Personally, I don't think ignorance is a friend in this kind of circumstance. While there may be no permanent cure, there may be medical or psychological solutions that can bring relief. In our situation we knew very little about my mother's condition. We could observe her behavior, but we had no idea about the causes or even a prognosis. I did not even know the name of her condition until I reached college. While the truth can be brutal, truth also enables us to know what we are facing and gives us an opportunity to develop a strategy.

NOTE: Next week we will conclude this series with some additional suggestions for coping.

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