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The 'Right' Way to Do Things
by Norman Bales
All About Families


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I don't know how many people eat dry cereal for breakfast. Even the most dedicated statistical enthusiasts probably don't bother to count the number of corn flakes emptied out of boxes by half-awake diners. However I am fairly certain that most people eat their cereal from some sort of bowl. It may be plastic, cardboard, glass or even crystal, but it will be served in a bowl. I think I'm safe in saying most folks don't pour their corn flakes out on a plate.

I do know one exception and that exception illustrates the importance of flexibility in marriage. Let me explain.

When I was young boy, I spent the night at the home of an aunt and uncle. My aunt poured my corn flakes out on a plate. I had never seen that done before. I wondered how you would manage to keep the milk from spilling over the sides. That seemed to be no problem for their family, however. It was their usual way of eating.

I made the mistake of asking for a bowl. She didn't have any bowls. I sounded like a spoiled rich kid from Beverly Hills. I might as well have asked to eat my corn flakes from a silver chalice. With six kids to raise on a dry land cotton farm, they probably didn't have money to throw away on such perceived luxuries as cereal bowls. Plates would have to serve double duty.

I find myself wondering why that episode remains firmly embedded in my mind with the passage of time. It taught me the importance of accepting different ways of doing things. Every family has its own rituals, traditions, expectations, customs and manners. My aunt and uncle were a little unusual. I've eaten cereal in many different homes since that time and not one time has anybody poured corn flakes on a plate. But that was their way of doing things. There wasn't anything wrong with it. It was just different.

Although I never asked, I wonder what might have happened in their children's marriages. I wonder if their first argument might have erupted with their initial attempt to share corn flakes. I can visualize a conversation that might have gone like this.

"Agnes, you poured my corn flakes onto a plate."

"So, what's wrong with that, Andy?"

Andy raises his voice, "Where have you been all your life? Nobody serves cereal in a plate."

Agnes feels a rush of adrenaline. "Well for your information, Mr. Smartypants, my mother served cereal in a plate all of my life."

"Then your mother must have been an idiot," Andy replies, whereupon Agnes leaves the room in tears and Andy decides to pick up breakfast at a fast food place on his way to work.

From our own experience, I know that nearly all married couples begin with certain assumptions about the "right way" to do things. Early in our marriage, some of our conflict revolved around the assertion, "If you're going to do something, do it right." Of course we had different ideas concerning what "right" is.

When you think your family's way of doing things is the only correct way, you're setting yourself up for conflict. It's hard to break old habits even when your perception of "the right way" is out of step with the rest of society. Most of our conflict over the "right way" doesn't involve moral principle; it involves tradition, perception and preference. You've got to learn how to be flexible if you expect to make your marriage work. You will be adjusting to one another throughout the course of your marriage. A friend of mine says, "Those who are unwilling to bend usually break." You will make significant progress in your marriage the day you discover there is more than one way to do certain things.

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