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Confronting Our Hidden Agendas
by Norman and Ann Bales
All About Families
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When married couples discuss their differences, they often work with two different agendas. One agenda is on the table and openly discussed. While they may not even recognize it, they either cover-up or deny certain hidden agendas. They consider some matters too touchy for open conversation.
Here's an example of an "up front" agenda. We'll call the husband and wife, Alex and Alicia. Like many other Americans, their appetites exceed their resources. After they pay their bills, there's not very much money left over for discretionary spending.
On a Friday afternoon, Alex picked up his paycheck and stopped by the pro shop at the golf course. Before leaving, he was the owner of a new putter.
When he got home Alicia protested, "A new putter makes about as much financial sense as making a down payment on the Taj Mahal." That same day Alicia had gone over expenses and figured there was just enough money for a visit to the beauty shop. When Alex showed her the new putter, they squared off in a war of words.
That was the open agenda. The hidden agenda involved a power struggle over who controls the money. The battle revolved around golf and the beauty shop, but the war was about control. Neither of them would say , "I want to dominate you." But that was their war.
Open agendas include disagreements about money, time, in-laws, friends, sex, roles and tasks. Control is a hidden agenda issue; so is intimacy. Trust is on the hidden agenda. Some people conceal their expectations about husband and wife roles. We don't talk about them even though they threaten the success of our relationships.
Successful married couples learn to recognize the hidden agendas and confront them in a spirit of understanding and forgiveness. We must be willing to rid ourselves of hidden agendas if we expect to have satisfactory relationships with our marriage partners. There's a risk involved in disclosing our inward thoughts, but there's a greater risk in refusing to divulge our hidden agendas. Without disclosure, there can be no intimacy.
May God help us to learn the art of tactful, respectful, gentle self-disclosure.
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