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The Spiritual Core of the Husband/Wife Relationship
Part Four: Suggestions For Enhancing Spiritual Growth In The Marriage Relationship.
by Norman and Ann Bales
All About Families

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1. Pray together. Many years ago, a child suffered a serious accident. For a time the child hovered between life and death in the intensive care unit of a hospital. The boy had loving and caring parents, but the mother was a Christian although the father was not. At that moment she chose to share some of her deepest thoughts with her husband. She said, "You have been a good provider. You have been considerate of me and we have a good relationship, but at this moment the thing I need most from you is to be able to pray with one another and that's the one thing we cannot do." Prayer is much more than a desirable resource in a moment of crisis. It is an activity that we keep in a constant state of development, but when the time comes that everything else is caving in, the discipline we have devoted to prayer will help us.

2. Bible study. Throughout our married lives, the two of us have been students of the Bible. We have been able to communicate freely and openly concerning our perspectives of scripture. Several years ago, we faced a crisis that almost destroyed our marriage, but when we looked around to see if anything was still standing, we saw that our ability to study the Bible was intact. We kept that discipline alive and it became an important tool in the rebuilding of our relationship.

3. Accountability. We all need accountability. Few, if any of us are capable of doing our best without answering to someone. On the other hand we resist the efforts of those "spiritual policeman" who think they know what's best for us. In the church, we are accountable to the leaders of the church because they "watch over us." And yet even they "must give an account." (Hebrews 13:17). So it is in the marriage relationship. In an atmosphere of trust, we have an opportunity to make ourselves mutually accountable to one another. When we do so, the odds on our becoming more Christ-like go way up. Accountability. -"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17.)

4. Worshipping together. When Norman first began preaching, he noticed a tradition among preachers in the churches we visited. They usually sat on the front seat, ready to enter the pulpit and deliver their sermons, leaving their wives alone with the task of trying to deal with the children. Norman broke with this tradition many years ago because he thought Ann needed his help for at least part of the service. We nearly always sit together. We hold hands during prayer. He has even been known to slip his arm around Ann's shoulder (sometime to the chagrin of some rather "proper" Christian sisters). This experience has contributed mightily to the closeness of our relationship. We no longer have children to look after during the assembly, but we still choose to sit together, to hold hands during prayer. If Norman is preaching, he will usually wait until it's time to deliver the sermon to "mount the stump." In the process we build our relationship with God and one another.

5. Acts of compassionate service. I (Norman) tend to be a selfish person by nature, but Jesus urges me to get outside myself (Matthew 16:24; Philippians 2:3-5). I have learned from Ann's serving heart. Several years ago, she agreed to become the volunteer bereavement coordinator for a hospice program in Iowa. She called on those who had lost loved ones several weeks after the death. Sometimes she went to houses in rural areas where the addresses were difficult to find. I started going along to navigate and to help out with awkward situations. I was blessed over and over again by these opportunities to serve. If you want to find a way to improve your marriage, one of the best things you can do is to find an area of service and get involved.

6. Music. In his book A Severe Mercy, Sheldon Vanauken talked about the music he shared with his late wife Davey and how special it was to their relationship. Music has been very special to the two of us. A few years ago, Norman gave Ann two music tapes with love songs we have enjoyed through all our marriage - starting with a Johnny Mathis song, "The Twelfth of Never" which was recorded in the fifties. We went all the way through Gary Morris' "Wind Beneath My Wings" from the eighties. Those songs say something about the quality of our relationship, but so do the spiritual songs. When we dated, we spent a lot time singing hymns in the car. We didn't have a radio in the car back then. Later after out children came along, we often sang in the car, especially on the way to church services. We progressed from Jesus Loves Me to "How Great Thou Art." Finally, we bought a car with a tape deck and we started listening to contemporary Christian music. Our son, Jim, who writes occasional columns for the newsletter used to sing with a group known as the "Covenant Singers." Their songs became a part of our musical choice. Music enhanced our relationship with one another, our relationship with our children and our relationship with God.

Speaking of songs, one of our favorite contemporary songs is the one that starts, "As a deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after you." It's based on Psalm 42. That pretty well sums up the nature of the spiritual core of husband and wife relationships. The more we long for God, the more we appreciate each other. In the words of Antoine De Saint-Exupery, "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."

End of Series

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