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The Spiritual Core of the Husband/Wife Relationship
Part Three: The Relationship Between Our Need for God and Human Companionship
by Norman and Ann Bales
All About Families

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In her famous diary, Anne Frank wrote, "I feel utterly confused. I don't know what to read, what to write, what to do, I only know that I am longing." We all have deep longings. We may not actually recognize the spiritual nature of our longing, but we know that we look for something beyond the mundane affairs of life. It's often an indefinable hunger that cannot be satisfied through the channels of self-indulgence.

Many people enter marriage expecting to have that hunger filled. We expect our chosen marriage partners to make up for the lack that we feel deep within. "Most expect marriage to quench their soulful longing and it often does for a time. But for many, the deep restless, aching echoes again." (Les and Leslie Parrott. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. p. 133).

Augustine put his finger on the spiritual nature of our longing when he wrote, "Thou hast made us for Thyself and our hearts are restless until we rest in thee." The writer of Hebrews compared our quest in life to the struggle experienced by the children of Israel in their forty years of wandering in the wilderness. They failed to "enter into rest" because of their unbelief. In Hebrews 4:3, he said, "we who have believed enter into that rest." Every undertaking in life will ultimately disappoint us if we fail to make peace with God. While a marriage partner may well encourage us in that quest for peace, peace with God is really a two-dimensional activity. It comes down to the relationship between an individual and God.

However, we do have the capacity to contribute to each other's mutual spiritual development. The apostle Peter recognized the necessity of such encouragement when he wrote, "Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers" (1 Peter 3:7). Notice how he touches on the common task of spiritual growth.

• In their relationship both husband and wife share a mutual spiritual inheritance.

• Husbands are to treat their wives considerately and with respect because it enhances their mutual prayer lives.

The Parrotts note, " . . .there is more to a thriving marriage than good communication, conflict resolution and positive attitudes" (p. 134). They go on to say, "For married couples, spiritual meaning should be a shared pursuit. While every individual must come to an understanding of life's meaning alone, couples must also discover the meaning of their marriage together" (p. 135).

One of the most amazing love stories of the previous century is the story of C. S. Lewis and his wife, Joy (You might want to rent the movie Shadowlands, which tells the story). Lewis was a bachelor, an Oxford professor, famous for his articulate writings in defense of the credibility of the Christian faith. Joy Davidman was an American, a Jewish woman who was attracted to his writings. Thus began a friendship, by mail at first. Later Joy was about to be deported from England. Lewis offered to marry her, so she could stay. At first it was simply a legal arrangement. Then came the news that Joy was suffering from cancer and Lewis realized how deeply he loved her. They went through a church ceremony and began a deeply devoted marriage. The cancer went into remission, but returned a short while later. Shortly before her death, Joy, told her husband two things (1) "You have made me happy" and (2) "I am at peace with God." The point in all of this is the fact that the depth of their relationship with each other was defined by their mutual understanding of their relationship with God.

Lewis wrote, "We feasted on love; every mode of it, solemn and merry, romantic and realistic, sometimes as dramatic as the thunderstorm, sometimes comfortable and unemphatic as putting on your soft slippers. She was my pupil, my teacher, my subject and my sovereign, my trusty comrade, friend, shipmate, fellow-soldier. My mistress, but at the same time all that any man friend has ever been to me." You could say they were soul mates. The thing that made them soul mates was their mutual exploration of the quest to know God.

Even though we account to God as individuals, we cannot properly relate to him without loving relationships with people. "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen" (1 John 4:20). You can't be close to God and distant from people. There is no human relationship that provides a greater opportunity to love God than the marriage relationship. That's why it has such enormous potential and requires our very best effort to make it work.

NEXT WEEK: "Enhancing Spiritual Growth in the Marriage Relationship"

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