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Resentment Has the Potential to Damage Families
by Norman and Ann Bales
All About Families

Our entire conversation took place on her front lawn. She was explaining her reasons for staying away from church. She held a grudge against a person in our congregation. She described his actions in graphic detail. Norman only heard her side of the story so we have no idea as to the accuracy of her charges. The more she talked, the more we recognized her unhappiness. Eventually Norman asked her when these events occurred. Nearly forty years had passed since the conflict took place. As Norman listened to her bitter invectives, he had assumed that the she was talking about recent events. When he left her yard, her resentment seemed to be just as strong as it had ever been. Norman saw her one more time after that. He visited her in a hospital room. She tried to explain her symptoms and she offered this diagnosis, "I guess it all boils down to what's eating me."

If we were asked to choose between some form of brief, but severe punishment and forty years of emotional misery, compounded by chronic illness, we would probably chose the former.

While leafing through some old church bulletin files, we found these thoughts written by Charles Floyd. "Forgiveness is a strange deal. It is not something that comes with ease - - either to receive or extend. Yet it is of such great value to the well-being of the Christian. How tragic that one should harm himself by failing to do good to another. I'm the only one who gets it. Only the stupid believe that unforgiving hurts the other fellow."

We don't know of a single passage of Scripture that directs the followers of God to keep resentments alive. There certainly is no passage that allows us to plan ways of getting even. Our friend, Willard Tate, asks, "How do you know when you're even?" If somebody lets the air out of one of your tires, do you have to do the same thing to be even? Or do you have to let the air out of two of his tires in order to be one up on him? Are we talking about ignoring injustice? Absolutely not! The Bible is very clear on that subject.
"Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord." It's not our job to balance the scales; that's God's job. Handling resentment is a family issue. Sometimes we receive negative mail about our columns in the AAF Newsletter. Sometimes we are second-guessed by people who don't know us and have never talked to us. Some comments are pejorative, derogatory, harsh, mean-spirited and even obscene. We never like that kind of response, but it doesn't get under our skin, either. Why? Because the people who say those things don't know us and will probably never see us. It's sort of like having gnats fly around your face. It's bothersome, but there are worse things that can happen to you in life. It's one of those things that comes with the territory when you make public statements. However if we were to say those things about each other, or if our children were to say those things about us, we would be deeply hurt. Our ability to handle resentment would be seriously tested.

As a responsible member of a family, it becomes my challenge (1) to avoid behavior patterns that will create resentments in other members of my family and (2) to make overtures to the members of our family that will lead us all in the direction of healing and peace. At the same time, we need to develop a little thicker skin. There are some issues that simply aren't worth all the pain that resentment produces. Finally, we need to work on the will to forgive. On a regular basis I need to be remember that Jesus taught, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15). The actual act of reconciliation may well require a great deal of negotiating over a long period of time. Ridding yourself of resentment does not.

As Norman conversed with the lady on her front lawn, he felt the need to help her overcome her pain. Then he realized that much of the pain was self-induced. Resentment is toxic, but there is no power on earth that requires us to take the poison.