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The Caped Defender:
The Caped Defender in... The War of the Noses
by The Caped Defender (The Caped Defender's bio)
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At the worst possible moment, I was struck down. Isn't that when the worst things happen? The very last thing you need when life is one giant upheaval – this happens! What is it you ask?
It is the dreaded summer cold!
If you've read my bio you know that I am getting married. That day is fast approaching (October 19th, 2002…please know all cash gifts are accepted, cherished, and honored. We take Visa or Mastercard) and I am in the process of packing up all my worldly treasures from the “Defender Cave” and moving them two towns over to a new more spacious complex I am calling…um…yeah…“the Defender Cave” (Don't ask. My mind is so bogged down with wedding plans – I'm lucky if I remember my own name, which Louise DuMont GRACIOUSLY shared with every living person recently).
Well I figured that this must be a sneak attack from the microscopic villain – the Molecule Monster. I went to the Hero's Guild's secret lair called “The Guild Lair” (Don't laugh! We are busy coming up with costume designs that won't make us look like we should open for the Village People as well as powers, fighting criminals, and such that we don't have time to come up with cool hideout names). I had the Guild's super computer called…The Guild's Super Computer (refer to my last point about “names”) check me out.
“Greetings, Caped Defender,” it said. “How may I assist you?”
“I'm (sneeze) hav(sneeze)ing a bit of cold. I need (sneeze) for you to check and see if (sneeze) the Moelecule Monster is inva(sneeze)ding my nasal cavities (sneeze)!”
“Working…” the computer said. It scanned me from head to toe.
“Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you,” it said.
“Thank (sneeze) you,” I said. I hate colds. They turn you upside down – your feet smell and nose runs (I heard the rimshot over a cough).
After several “snotty moments,” I had my answer.
“Caped Defender,” the computer said.
“Yes (sneeze)!” I said wiping my nose.
“The Molecule Monster is trapped in a microscopic cell on another planet.”
“Is it the (sneeze) Martian Death Plague?” I asked.
“Bless you. No, that was eradicated three years ago by the Ace of Skies.”
“Is it an evil spell (sneeze) put on me by Hoodwink the Escapist?”
The Computer worked.
“Bless you. No, Hoodwink was beaten up the Justice Queen.”
“The Justice (sneeze) Queen?” I asked. “She's the size of a bear and three times as nasty!”
“Bless you. They say Hoodwink has spent the last month learning how to blink again.”
I sneezed again.
“Then how do you explain my stuffy nose and sneezing,” I said sneezing into my tissue.
“Allergies,” the computer responded.
“Yeah right!” I shouted. “I (sneeze) think (sneeze) your microchips are all (sneeze) kabadoodled up (sneeze)!”
The computer began to process more.
“Bless you, bless you, bless you, bless you,” it responded. It was American Eagle's idea to give it manners.
“Thank you,” I growled.
“Now what is kaboodled?” the computer asked.
“Kaboodled means whigged up (sneeze)!” I said.
“Bless you,” it said. “What is whigged up?”
“Never mind, I can't go on fighting crime as 'The Sneezing Defender.'” I sat on the floor crossed legged. “No one takes a super hero seriously if their worst enemy is hay fever!”
I decided the best course of action was to just fly back to my first “Defender Lair,” climb into bed and hope for the best in the next couple of days.
I did this all – alone.
My fiancé was at work and all my friends were busy watching “American Idols” on Fox…don't ask. But then I remembered one tiny, little point that cheered me up. And this leads to…
…the spiritual lesson from dirty tissues and dry hacking coughs where the phlegm refuses to let go of you lungs (graphic enough for ya!)…
It says in Hebrews 4:15 (NIV) “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin.”
I may not know the higher reason of having allergy problems at a critical time, but there is someone who went through it just like me. Granted, Jesus could have healed Himself, but I bet He let Himself go through “a stuffy nose” just so He could say, “I know what you mean.”
Well, I drifted off to sleep with peace of mind though the war raged on - in my nose, lungs, throat and anyplace else mucous will make its home.
Copyright 2002, The Caped Defender. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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About The Caped Defender: The Caped Defender resides in his secret "Defender Lair" in an anonymous town in New Jersey. He is currently engaged. However, at the request of his beautiful fiancé, and I quote "Please, please, please don't mention my real name!" The Caped Defender collects comic books and wants to be a writer. EDITOR'S NOTE AND OPINION: He needs help. Lots. Thank you. You can e-mail The Caped Defender at thecapeddefender@netzero.com |
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