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The Caped Defender:
The Caped Defender in... Behind Door Number One
by The Caped Defender (The Caped Defender's bio)
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Well it was bound to happen! Oh don't tell me you didn't expect this! And you know something - I am furious! Would you like to know how angry I am? Here is how angry I am:
- “Strap slices of salami and uncooked hamburger patties to my Caped Defender Action Coat (trademarked in Polynesia) and run down the center aisle of the Vegeterian Empowerment League Headquarters” angry.
- “Come to a 'Star Wars' Convention dressed as a Klingon (any guy over 32, who has never kissed a girl, will get that one)” angry.
- “Attend an N'Sync concert” angry.
Why would I subject myself to such things – I am sure you are wondering. In fact, I will go as far as to say I bet you are asking yourself, “Why is such a good looking man so angry?” And, “Is there anyway I can get free HBO out of it?”
First, let me answer the second question – “Yes. Getting free HBO is simple. All you need is tin foil, chewing gum, and a degree in telecommunication engineering and a rudimentary understanding of astrophysics.”
Secondly, let me know tell you why I am annoyed. In a recent “Coffee and…” column (seen in the “Women” channel here at Crosshome.com), Louise DuMont felt the need to share the following information with the real world. And let me get my reading glasses on and clear my throat…AHHHHHEEEMMMMMM. She said in the column (entitled “Coffee and…White Hats and Pruning Trees”;):
This column is dedicated to a gifted new writer and good friend, Don Smith – Oops – I mean The Caped Defender!!! Ah… um… sorry about that, Don… I mean Defender… Oh, whatever!!!
It was a great column. I laughed, I cried and then when I read that last statement I cried again.
Now how easy will it be for me to be fighting the forces of evil when I hear, “Hey, Don, how's it going?” or “Hey, Don, don't you ever wash that coat?” or “Don, you're tin foil/chewing gum suggestion only gives me the country music station!”
Do you think this ever happens to the bigger named “super heroes?” Of course not!
What would Superman do is he is stopping a bank robbery and someone walked up to him and said, “Hey, Clark, your library book 'Things that are Soft and Cuddly' is over due.” Superman would be laughed out of Metropolis.
Captain America would never get a moment's peace! Constant – “Mr. Rogers, Mr. Steven Rogers…are you related to that man with the sweater, trolley, and some make-believe neighborhood.”
Or how do you think that criminal in Gotham City is going to feel when Batman's kicking his teeth in he thinks, “I'm getting beaten up by someone named Bruce?!”
I have decided to give myself a new name. I have whittled it down to three: Fernando Venezula, John D'oh, or Spongebob Squarepants.
Something tells me “John D'oh” is it. So if you ever send me an e-mail and someone named “John D'oh” writes back. I hope you'll understand.
Ms. DuMont and I have come to an understanding. Allow me to quote another point she makes:
Church leaders, fellow believers and Christian organizations can all be blown apart in a weak moment. Captains of Truth like the Caped Defender do not put their trust in things of this world and they don't put all their stock in their super powers either. In order to remain upright and focused on good, they must keep their eyes on the only true thing in the universe – Christ Jesus. Now don't get me wrong, darting around town in leotards and a bathrobe-cape is not my idea God's perfect will for MY life… but this advocate of goodness has been called to a most unique ministry… and God does bless even the most unusual talents when turned over to Him.
Ms. DuMont's comments (especially the nice things she says about me) should be taken to heart. We must constantly keep our minds on Jesus.
Matthew 6:33 (KJV) says it best, “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”
We must constantly keep our focus on Jesus…on Him. Everything else will fall in its place. Secret identities included.
I kid about being angry with Ms. DuMont. If anything she has been a “guiding light” in pointing me to the “Real Light” when things have been darkest.
Now let's end things on a positive note, come back for the next Caped Defender adventure. It is called “The Caped Defender in…Louise DuMont, would be interested in donating money to your cause…please call her between 1 AM and 3 AM. Here is her phone number…”
Copyright 2002, The Caped Defender. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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About The Caped Defender: The Caped Defender resides in his secret "Defender Lair" in an anonymous town in New Jersey. He is currently engaged. However, at the request of his beautiful fiancé, and I quote "Please, please, please don't mention my real name!" The Caped Defender collects comic books and wants to be a writer. EDITOR'S NOTE AND OPINION: He needs help. Lots. Thank you. You can e-mail The Caped Defender at Thecapeddefender@yahoo.com |
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