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The Caped Defender:
The Caped Defender in... Telemarketer from the Future?!?! (Insert scary music here)
by The Caped Defender (The Caped Defender's bio)
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I was writing a check for my phone bill when it happens. A bright light appears in my living room.
"Are you an angel?" I ask.
"Nope." Out of this light steps a man wearing a blue business suit with a gray tie. In his hand, he holds a brief case.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Defender," he says. "Are you happy with your long distance service?"
"Oh no!" I say. "The telemarketers finally developed transporter technology!"
I do what anyone else would do in this situation. I pick up a chair and I hurl it!
(EDITORIAL SIDE NOTE: We do not advocate the throwing of chairs at telecommunications individuals under any circumstances.)
The telemarketer goes down under the blow of the chair. I quickly put on my costume. Okay…it's just my long coat, sunglasses, and baseball hat - but it's still a costume!
I stand over the guy and point my finger in his face.
"You have invaded the inner sanctum of the Defender Lair! For all of my high tech anti-crime fighting equipment is housed here! And beyond those walls rests my Sanctuary of Meditation! Do you know whom you have invaded?" I shout.
"Yes," he replies. "You are the Caped Defender!"
I stretch my hands to heaven and shout, "For I am the Caped Defender!"
Then it hits me. "You just said my name, didn't you?"
The telemarketer brushes the chair aside and stands up. He looks around.
"Inner sanctum?" he says. "This is an apartment you share with two guys!"
He has me on that one.
"High-tech anti-crime fighting equipment?" he points to the wall. "That's just a second hand Schwinn that needs a new chain!"
He gets me a second time!
"Your Sanctuary of mediation is nothing more then your bedroom and from the smell out of it means the laundry has not been done in a month and half!" he shouts.
Yet a third wound! Who was this Master of Warfare?
"Oh, telemarketer with Star Trek like transporter technology, what will you do with me now?"
He looks at me.
"Telemarketer?" he says. "No! I'm from the future. I'm here to offer you free long distance because you spent a week with the super hero group - the Hero's Guild. They came forward in time and saved the Earth from a race of Kevin Costner Clones..."
(EDITORIAL SIDE NOTE: We do not advocate the insulting of Kevin Costner. Some of us still tear up at "Field of Dreams." "Would you like to have a catch, dad?" Puts a lump right here.)
"As our way of thanking them," he continues. "We were sent back in time to offer all non active members free long distance phone calls for the rest of their lives!"
I think long and hard.
"Okay. I could use a lifetime of free long distance."
"Forget it!" he says. "I'm leaving!" He flicks a button on his watch. The bright light appears and he is gone.
I spend the rest of the week beating my head against the wall. We're talking free long distance and I could finally ignore he Carrot Top commercials.
(EDITORIAL SIDE NOTE: We do advocate making fun of Carrot Top.)
(EDITORIAL SIDE SIDE NOTE: Defender, stay out of the Editorial Side Notes!)
The more I think about it – not all of us are graced with time machines where we can go back and fix the mistakes of the past.
The Apostle Paul was not graced with one either. He writes about it in Philippians 3:13-14 (NASB):
13) Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,
14) I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Simply, I'm going to move on and forgive myself (yet again) and forget the past (yet again). God already has. As of now, we can't change it and when we do finally get the technology, I don't know if I would recommend we would do so. Our mistakes are what make us unique and makes us…us.
Right now, I have to go use one of those Carrot Top phone lines.
Mom, Dad…you can expect a collect call from me soon. I need to borrow some money to pay off my phone bill.
Copyright 2002, The Caped Defender. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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About The Caped Defender: The Caped Defender resides in his secret "Defender Lair" in an anonymous town in New Jersey. He is currently engaged. However, at the request of his beautiful fiancé, and I quote "Please, please, please don't mention my real name!" The Caped Defender collects comic books and wants to be a writer. EDITOR'S NOTE AND OPINION: He needs help. Lots. Thank you. You can e-mail The Caped Defender at Thecapeddefender@yahoo.com |
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