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The Caped Defender:
The Caped Defender in... Bouncin' Around and Back
by The Caped Defender (The Caped Defender's bio)
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Kinetic Man is late for lunch. I usually conduct the first interview, in a process, to join our super hero group – the Hero's Guild.
Kinetic Man, I heard on the radio, took down three bank robberies, two jewel robberies, and an environmental activist holding several fur makers hostage.
Now he comes bouncing in.
“Sorry, Defender,” he says wearing a red costume covered in black lines. “I had to stop a father from beating his kid.”
“I see,” I say.
“So you don't have any powers do ya, chief?” he says with a laugh.
I shrug.
Real quick … let me remind everyone what I do. I'm just the PR writer and historian for a group of super heroes called the Hero's Guild.
What are my powers? I can tell a good story, drive a purple Neon, and wear a long gray coat.
Just a quick aside (don't groan, Louise!), I call myself “The Caped Defender” because “The Coated Defender” sounds dorky. Or to use a more Baptist friendly word instead of “dorky” – it makes me sound like a “yutz.”
Yes, “yutz” is in the Bible. It's in the book of Third Hesitations.
Kidding.
No, “yutz” is found in the Old Testament books of Hezekiah and Enron.
Anyway, a super villain ranked as a ten (which is bad) known as the Bear Master begins attacking people, ripping apart cars, and throwing over hot dog stands.
“I'll take him!” Kinetic Man says standing up.
“No!” I say to him. “The Bear Master is too powerful! You've only been dealing with jewel thieves and Democrats!”
He shrugs.
“Guardian Eagle,” I say into a special communications device (a cell phone). “Send Thunder-Man, Angelblyaze, and the Ace of Skies here ASAP!”
“Can't!” he says back to me as an explosion…um…explodes near him. “Oh wow! That was close!”
“What?” I ask.
“The Missile Maniac!”
“Oh no!”
Another explosion…um…explodes and the cell goes dead.
“Well that's that,” I say turning to Kinetic Man – who is not there. I look out the window and sure enough there he is bouncing around the Bear Master!
“Oh no!” I say aloud as I watch the Bear Master slap Kinetic Man with the back of one giant paw. Kinetic Man is out of control bouncing into one building and smacking into another.
When Kinetic Man finally comes to a stop, he looks dead.
“Uh oh,” says a man behind me.
Kinetic Man pulls himself up, gives me a thumbs up, and flops back down.
I sigh.
I watch the Bear Master pick up a police officer and slam him on to the hood of a car.
Just then, a large fireball explodes between the Bear Master and a small group of brutalized officers.
“Back away from the officers of the law!” screams a voice from above.
I look up.
“Oh wow! The Seraph!”
The Seraph wears a dark blue costume with four golden wings on his back. However, what everyone notices is the symbol of the golden eye which covers the top of his face, another on the center of his chest, one on each hand, knee, and foot.
The Bear Master snarls.
The Seraph lands near him and quickly puts him down with several other well placed blasts of fire. Don't worry, the Bear Master is okay.
As for Kinetic Man, well believe it or not, I sponsor him for Guild membership, as I did for the Seraph.
Nevertheless, there is a point I wish to make –
Let me borrow an idea from that whole marketing ploy that came out in the late 1990's – WWJD – which stands for…um…”Who Wore Janice's Dress?”…no…”Where Was John Diving?”…rats…wait…”Which Wendy's Joint Developed…um…Chicken Nuggets?”
Oh forget this!
Let's just follow Christ's example, instead!
Sheesh!
We all know Jesus Christ -
- was born on Christmas day
- taught the elders of the Temple at the age of twelve
- turned water into wine
- called twelve locals to follow Him
- healed the sick, lame, blind, leprosy ridden, and raised the dead
- enabled five loaves and a couple of fish to feed several thousand people
- threw out the money-changers from the Temple
- walked on water
- died for humanity, rose from the grave, and then equipped the aforementioned Twelve locals (now Eleven thanks to Judas Iscariot's mistletoe impersonation) to start up the Christian Church.
But did you notice, He didn't do it all on the same day? He did it all in His thirty-three years on Earth.
I think Kinetic Man was trying to bite off more than he could in one day.
Sure God calls us to change the world but how did He say it, “First start locally and work your way out,” - to paraphrase the end of the books of Matthew, Luke and the beginning of Acts.
Individual Christians are not meant to fight bank robbers, jewel thieves, environmental terrorists, abusive parents, or Bear Masters all in one day.
However, to change tracks –
“At least the Kinetic Man did something,” you may be thinking.
“Yes he did,” I will say in response. “But note the column is called the Caped Defender and not 'Ask the Kinetic Man'.”
Why?
He's still in the hospital.
Don't worry.
He'll bounce back.
Copyright 2003, The Caped Defender. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
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About The Caped Defender: The Caped Defender resides in his secret "Defender Lair" in an anonymous town in New Jersey. He recently married the love of his life. However, at the request of his beautiful wife, and I quote "Please, please, please don't mention my real name!" The Caped Defender collects comic books and wants to be a writer. EDITOR'S NOTE AND OPINION: He needs help. Lots. Thank you. You can e-mail The Caped Defender at thecapeddefender@netzero.com |
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